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1.    As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I
can't remember the other  two...  -- Sir Norman Wisdom
 
2.    One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that 
even a bargain costs money. -- Edgar Watson Howe
 
3.    A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your
success! -- Doug Larson
 
4.    A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!   -- Eric Bolton 
 
5.    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me. -- Erno Philips
 
6.    I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. -- Robert Paul 
  
7.    We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller
   
8.    Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge 
  
9.    Start every day with a smile and get it over with. -- W.C. Fields
  
10.    Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers
  
11.    Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, 
you haven't wasted a whole day. -- Mickey Rooney
  
12.    Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not
have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the 
same choice we've always had: work or prison. -- Tim Allen
  
13.    If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry
you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner 
  
14.    I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen
  
15.       Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. -- Erica Jong
  
16.    Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubbard
  
17.    Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson
 
18.    In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found 
out. -- Joey Adams

19.    I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds
out, she'll kill me. -- Henry Youngman
  
20.    Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already 
born ? -- Benny Hill

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